The 5 Guys You’ll See at the Bar the Night Before Thanksgiving
- The Guy Who Never Left. You know him, or at least recognize him, as the underachiever in high school who went on to spend six years at the local community college before dropping out to work at Best Buy and post racist memes on Facebook. He still drinks Jagermeister.
- The 25-Year-Old Divorcee. He married his high school sweetheart after a year of dating because her parents wouldn’t let them move in together until they were married. They divorced after one year because she realized how awful a roommate he is, he moved back with his parents, gained 30 pounds, and started spending money on Candy Crush. He drinks Vodka on the rocks.
- The B.S. Mogul. Gelled hair, fitted suit, aggressive approach to fragrance. He assumes everyone is looking at him, and is not necessarily wrong. He rocks a knockoff Rolex and pushes an 3 Series that he also lives in. You would respect his commitment to the image if he wasn’t such an inflammatory douche. He drinks Makers Mark.
- The Late Bloomer. It takes you a minute to recognize him. His round baby-face has developed a jawline and is accented with subtle scruff. He got rid of that dumb haircut. What he’s got going on is almost enough for you to forget about all the cartoon penises he drew on textbooks and that time he blamed a fart on you. He drinks craft beer ONLY.
- The “In Another Life” Dreamboat. You’ve either never been single at the same time or never been in the same place at the same time, but you’ve always been into each other. You’ve done your requisite Facebook stalking and have come up with no evidence of a girl he likes enough to post pictures with. He lives across the country, but he’s here tonight and looking as good as ever. You settle for the conclusion that, if anyone is worth the $40 Uber of shame back to your parents’ house, it’s probably him. He drinks whiskey … like the HOT man he is.